How Writing This Book Is Healing My Inner Child
This is a book update
As you know (or don’t), I’m writing a book on financial trauma for Wiley publishing. We have locked in a name for it and are in cover design mode. I have just under two months to submit my manuscript and while I am confident I’ll get it in on time, I also feel like I’m behind.
Author
Financial Therapist
Thought leader on Financial Trauma
Financial Educator
These are all terms that have been used to describe me and the work I do. I should have no problem writing this book then right? Right?!
That’s what I thought when I took on the project. What I’ve come to realize in the process of creating is that maybe I wasn’t ready.
I’m not saying that from a place of imposter syndrome either. I just didn’t realize that in the process of writing this book that I’d have to come face to face with so many of my own beliefs about money.
My own financial traumas.
That I’d have to start to acknowledge and heal the relationship with my inner child—with little Rahkim.
Trauma work is really fascinating and deep stuff. The deeper I get into it, the more of me I expose to myself.
I’ve been on many stages, both virtual and in person, discussing my upbringing and how that shaped my experiences with money.
In December 2019 I spoke on it publicly for the first time—in true Rahkim fashion— on stage at a TEDx event in Hartford, CT.
I remember feeling so much like a victor in that moment. That I had climbed a mountain and was returning to the people, stone tablets in hand with instructions on how they too can become financially empowered.
I was only half right.
It was like holding up my arm and saying look at this scar I have! Nevermind the fact I’ve never sat and truly examined the wound that caused the scar.
Well writing this book is like examining that wound, and you know what I’ve realized? IT STILL HURTS!
Healing My Inner Child
I want to share my observations of myself while writing. As the expert, I am flowing in a very matter of fact like cadence.
As a writer however, telling stories about some of the most intimate thoughts and painful memories associated with perceived personal failures, my parents separation, the relationship between my siblings and I, scarcity, and so much more is triggering. More than that, it takes me back in time to a version of myself who felt he had to fill a role that was not his to fill.
I’m becoming aware of cognitive disruptions related to my past perceptions of money and lack. How those disruptions have informed strategy and behavior in my life when it comes to earning and career progression.
I’m becoming aware of the times I wanted something but we “couldn’t afford it”. Of how I was always “too grown” for playtime.
whew
It’s a lot.
What am I doing about it? Well I’m playing now.
I recently bought a Lego set of a giant Batmobile that I’ve been slowly putting together. I’ll just throw some music on, might light some herb or taken an edible, and tinker away.
I’ll honor the feelings of that child releasing the hold on notions of discipline, or routine and let him work his way through his trauma, my trauma, our trauma, together.
I’m not going to lie, sometimes it is tough to pull myself from that state of play. The child in me wants to play until he drops. I’ve been up until almost sunrise working on Legos when instead I should be reading, or writing, or completing admin tasks in my business. But play is healing and that’s what this book is about, HEALING.
Healing child trauma, workplace trauma, religious trauma, institutional trauma, and more as a subset of financial trauma.
I was talking to my father recently and he said something profound I want to share with you. He said, “Rahkim, when you wrote Financially Irresponsible, that was for the people. This book, this book I feel like is for you.” And as I work my way through the stories and the material that is undoubtedly forcing me to heal, I can’t help but to agree. This book is as much for me as the people I’m going to share it with.
Question for you, have you explored healing your inner child? Have you dug into the ideas and beliefs you picked up around money (from as young as 7) and how they impact you today? I’d love to hear/learn more about what you do and how you honor that version of yourself. Let me know in an email or in the comments.
I created a financial stress quiz you can take here. Be mindful, the results are NOT emailed to you but are on the last page so you should screenshot your result if you want to keep it.
Ps… The monthly article will be out Friday. It will be behind the paywall. To get full access consider upgrading your subscription to paid if you haven’t already. If you have, thank you for supporting me and my work.